Addicted
Blogger's Note: I originally wrote this for an article to be published and pulled it at the last minute out of fear for my vulnerability at the time. It was several years ago about 8 months after my divorce. I've had many joys and some sorrow since then but looking back at this exercise it's incredible to see what has transpired between now and then. The fear I speak of, the sadness I wrote about doesn't exist anymore. My triggered story seems so ridiculous and meaningless to me now. And that's the point. Move on and up. I felt it was a good time to publish it here so those of you who know this feeling have something to relate to. An addiction of talking about what's wrong in our lives is something most everyone I know struggles with. I still have to catch myself on a daily basis but I'm grateful to have so much more joy to discuss now than ever before. Thank you for reading.
Rita Schiano said, “Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys.” I’m not an addict with drugs or alcohol. I’m not an obsessive eater, gambler or exerciser. However, I think maybe I’m addicted to talking about what’s wrong in my life.
I’ve been able to justify times of darkness because of events that have occurred. But at this point, I’ve hit a slump. No amount of exercise, yoga, counseling or meditation truly makes me feel better. They seem to just mask how I feel. I can have a good moment, but when I feel myself smile, it’s almost as if I’m betraying my true hurt inside. This is what made me realize I might be an addict. But it also made me realize how I can work to fix it.
We live in a society that sends us mixed messages. Social media is the highlight reel of our lives. When something wonderful happens that is the first place we share it to let our friends and family know. But as the one on the receiving end, if our day wasn’t so stellar, it can only bring us down. Of course we are happy for our friend who just got engaged, but it is also a reminder that we may still be single with one too many cats while longing for a partner or our relationship isn't going as well as we may want. We also live in a time that encourages us to bitch about our problems…Isn’t that why happy hour was invented? How many times have you called a friend to hash out the details of a bad day at work or a horrendous date?
I’m not a therapist, but I’ve been in therapy, so I can’t say talking it out is a bad thing. I think there are many instances where it serves a purpose: relating to others, encouraging a child to discuss behavioral issues, and even sharing a traumatic event from one’s past to let it go and move on. However, I think we hit a road block somewhere between talking it out to get through it and talking it out to re-live it.
Addicts continue negative habits because of instant gratification. In the moment it feels good and there is no foresight for what’s to come next. It's a response to a trigger and becomes the reward. When we talk about our problems, we have very much the same internal response. We can justify where we are if life doesn't feel perfect. Discussing it is instant gratification for the dysfunction we may here and now be experiencing or our inability to relate to a situation. We perpetuate a habit of negative speak and it makes it even harder to get through moments where life is less than kind.
I’m lucky to be surrounded by happy, empathic people. They have been my shoulder to cry on and have worked to cheer me up in my moments of need. I’ve been there for them as well. It’s how friendship works.
But what if.....
For one day, we try to focus on the joys in our lives, instead of the sorrow. Of course that is so much easier said than done. But it isn’t usually that I can’t see the joy in my life when I’m feeling sad, it is that I can’t see it through the current state I’m in. It’s like telling someone to look for the sun through Seattle’s clouds in December.
Then there becomes a second problem. Usually our sadness stems from recognizing a time when things weren’t so bad. Again, if it’s a cloudy day and I’m supposed to see the sunshine, I might instead remember back to how beautiful Seattle was in late July, not a cloud in sight. But that’s looking back, not forward.
The addiction of talking about our problems comes from re-living the past. It’s impossible to see anything joyful in the future if we are stuck.
Recently though, I shifted my focus and perspective on my interactions with people in my life. While I always want be there for them, I have offered up a little challenge to myself through my own contemplation and I’ve had to look to it daily to shift.
I’m writing this today, because I’m finally getting a shift. I am happy to say I went out last night, was there for my friends who shared some problems in their lives and I listened. I went down my own dark road in my head but didn’t speak. It was the first time it felt good not to share the hurt inside me. I woke up today and I hurt just a little less. Finding a way to cope with the negative emotions I’ve felt has been like a weight lifted from my shoulders. I hope you find it helpful too.
Below is what I’ve been working on in my daily contemplations. It’s the first time I’ve done the same contemplation over and over and over again, but practice is what takes us to new places. At first I struggled. I wrote pages and pages. It didn’t help to get it out. Then I wrote less and less. I cut out the details like how I felt about this one thing this one time. It didn’t matter. Of course it hurt me or I wouldn’t feel this way, but it wasn’t anything I needed to relive. I went through vulgar transformations of how I wrote about the people in my life and was able to transform my feelings through empathy. Below is exactly how I laid out each day’s contemplation, and my answers are what I wrote yesterday. Brevity is key so keep it short. If we can imagine it almost fitting into a 120 character tweet even better.
What’s my story that has triggered me: I got married and then divorced. I was lied to and betrayed by someone who was supposed to care about me the most.
Why am I upset about it: He wasn’t strong enough to stand up for me. Will I ever be able to trust again?
What do I wish my story was: And they lived happily ever after… I wish I could turn back time.
So I’m really upset because: I can’t change the past and I have to start over. That’s scary.
How has this changed me: I feel more vulnerable and don’t trust people.
How can this change be a good thing: Brene Brown says vulnerability is powerful. I want to feel powerful. Then maybe I’ll trust.
How do I plan to move forward or distract myself as I process through this: I’m empowered to follow my career goals, so I’ll focus on that again. I’m happy to simplify.
What can I talk about instead when asked about my trigger story: My career and all the exciting things that are happening.
It seems simple. And it is. But it also isn’t. This is actually six months of work in the previous paragraph. But I did the work. That’s when the addiction pattern stopped for me. It wasn’t overnight. And just like any other addict, I will always have to be on the look out for triggers in my life.
If you are an addict in the same way, I do hope this little exercise and hearing of my own experience was useful to you. We are never alone. We are always on the right path. Sometimes we just have to look for the trees in the forest to see the forest for the trees.